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How Long Should You Wait to Remarry After a Divorce?
By Tiffiny J. Fambro | Divorce
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No matter how terrible a marriage might have been, many people get accustomed to being a part of a couple- especially if they had been married to their spouse for a long time. Hatred from being in a married partnership unit itself is not the reason most people get divorced- it’s the issues within the relationship that lead to a divorce.
People that have gotten divorced may miss certain parts of their marriage, such as not being alone in the house, having someone to go on outings with their married friends, having a travel companion, or the familiarity of being with someone that knows them, etc. Sometimes, just the feeling of being physically safe knowing that a partner is present should anything happen is a reason some people appreciate marriage.
There are many reasons why someone may enjoy the idea of marriage and even miss aspects of their marriage once divorced. Women that get divorced often find themselves wondering if they will ever get married again, and if so, how long they should wait to get remarried.
The question of “should I remarry after divorce?” is a personal decision. I think there are a lot of pluses to remarrying and a lot of pluses to staying single. I think the biggest question a woman should ask herself about getting remarried is, “Why do I desire to get married again?”
Be willing to be honest with yourself about the reason why you want to get remarried. Take the time to think through the process of a legal marriage. Signing a legal document tying you to another person, possibly changing your last name, organizing or paying for another wedding, blending families (if you have children), moving homes or states or countries, reorganizing your life, etc.
Marriage is not about dating someone or cohabitating. Marriage in the U.S. and many countries involves legal documents and is associated with governmental stipulations such as taxes, beneficiaries, life insurance, and other legalities. Two people can be in a serious loving, romantic, long-term relationship without taking the legal steps to be married. They can even have a ceremony to express their love for each other without it being a legal marriage.
So, asking yourself why you want to get legally get married again should be about more than just love. Be willing to create a list and get very real with your “why”. Add the pros and cons of remarrying, your deal breakers, and your must-haves in a marriage. Look at your current life and assess how getting remarried would affect your life. Would it be better or worse? Would you have to make a lot of changes? Would you want to make a lot of changes?
Thinking through the entire process is vital when contemplating whether you should get married again.
Once you have figured out your “why”, it’s important to think through a few factors that may have crippled your past marriage and if not corrected could hurt your new marriage.
The same wounds that you carried into your first marriage will be the same wounds that you carry into a new marriage if you don’t do the work to heal. This may mean trauma or dysfunctional family structures that you experienced as a child. Many times, the root of a painful marriage doesn’t start in a marriage- it starts in childhood and the expectations that were carried from those experiences.
So, as you are contemplating the right time to get remarried, ask yourself, have you healed your childhood trauma? Have you done the deep work with a therapist to find out the some of the causes of your negative relationships or issues, and how to heal them. I’m not saying you have to be a perfect human to get remarried, but I am saying you have to make sure you are not dragging the same old dysfunctional baggage into your new marriage.
Financial security should not be the reason you get married again. If you are financially insecure, be willing to start getting your finances in order. This does not mean you must be wealthy or have a perfect credit score, but you need to be accountable for a healthy budget or financial portfolio. If you are financially insecure, that may lead to arguments or strife in your new marriage. Be willing to speak to a financial advisor or read some finance books to get your money in order.
Also, make sure you are saving for a retirement fund or have a nest egg, even if you stay single. Be willing to have transparency with your finances and make sure your new fiancé has transparency with theirs before you think about getting remarried.
Do you know what your boundaries are? Have you written them down? Are you comfortable with speaking up for yourself, saying no if you don’t want to do something, or being honest about your preferences? If you did not have solid boundaries or were too rigid in your boundaries in your first marriage, then you will have the same issues in your second marriage.
Instead of thinking about when to get married, do the work on your boundaries. If you don’t have any, then set them. If you are way too rigid, then relax them. Having boundaries in place before you get married gives you direction on how you want to be treated, and what you will and will not tolerate, and sets the stage for your next marriage.
Giving and receiving in a reciprocal relationship can be very fulfilling. However, if you are always the giver or if you are always the receiver, then the balance of the flow of the relationship can be thrown off. Start assessing how much you are willing to give if you are accustomed to overgiving, and be willing to receive. If you are accustomed to receiving, ask yourself what you are willing to give.
It all boils down to having a balance in your relationship so that neither person feels resentful. And understand that the types of things you give and receive may be different from your partner. Take the time to understand each other’s love languages and what the other person values so that you can be a compatible match when it comes to reciprocity. A partnership is great when you are with someone who equally gives and receives.
Do you have a vision for your life as a single person? What is it? Be willing to think through the vision that you have for your life as an unmarried person before you get remarried. You should have clarity around what you want, where you see yourself, and your deep desires, so the new person you bring into your life understands what you want and can tell whether they want the same thing.
Have enough self-awareness to understand what you want in your life. Once you bring the new person into your life, you must have a shared vision so that you both are going in the same direction once you get remarried.
Understanding how long you should wait before you get remarried depends on several factors. These factors include having the ability to get clear on your life path as a single person, understanding the value and reason why you want to be in a legalized partnership, and whether you are willing to take an assessment of yourself and your behavior. There is not a one size fits all answer to this question. It can be weeks, months, or years after your first marriage. The timeline depends on you.
Ready to start the process of gaining more clarity, confidence, and courage? Start here:
Don’t let more time pass by, reclaim your life today!
Tiffiny has a B.A. in Psychology, and master’s degree in Public Health Education. She worked in consulting for over 16 years, as well as previously owning a fitness and health business. In her personal life, she used personal development, mindset and health strategies to go from being overworked in a demanding corporate career, emotionally drained in a toxic marriage, physically unhealthy, and depressed to becoming an award-winning figure level bodybuilding athlete and entrepreneur. As a women’s empowerment coach, she works to help women get clear on their goals, build confidence, increase self-esteem, take action on their deep desires and create a life they love
